Started this new year wanting it to be different in a good way.. but other contributing factors wontt let me. I try my damn best to be the best I can be. Instead I am being compared to delinquent children and how I am one of them. I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke, I am not a whore, I have ambitions and goals. I aspire to please people. I am selfless and I ALWAYS put other people before myself. I messed up last year, I learned my lesson and now I tried my damn best to do better.. I dont care if people dont recognize how much I do for them, but to say im useless, selfish, delinquent and everything else… its just not right. I get disrespected left and right just by breathing… I really can’t take all this abuse anymore. I am at a certain point in my life where I am discouraged and I want to give up sooo badly.
Just wanted one day not to worry about anything…one day. Now I’m dealing with art theft, statewide conference, messy ass divorce, financial issues, falling behind in school work, etc… I’m mentally, emotionally, and physically drained… I am at my breaking point.. so much on my mind that I get lost with the route I take a million times. I was in Garden Grove and for some odd reason I ended up in Orange when I was trying to get back to Santa Ana. I don’t know how much more I can take until I finally crack.
It was a normal day, I was sitting in the TSU waiting for a friend to come work on a workshop for a conference. At 1pm I get a text message from my cousin telling me to call her when I had a chance to. Normally, I would delay the requested call because we bicker occasionally. There was a sense of urgency when I read the text so I immediately called her. She picked up right away and by the tone of her “hello” I knew something was wrong. My grandpa’s second wife had packed his stuff and kicked him out of his own house. I got mad at my cousin for not calling me as soon as she got the phone call from our grandpa. Not knowing where our grandpa was, she called the cops to check it out. There was nothing we could do until the cops called us back. His whereabouts were unknown, we cried on the phone together worried for his health. The cops called us back within a 30 minute time span. They said that she wouldn’t let them in the house and there was nothing that they can do about it. I called my grandpa and asked where he was, Nitta’s family weren’t available to pick my grandpa and his things up until 7pm. I was infuriated with the most rage and hatred I’ve ever felt in my life. My friend insisted on coming along with me to go pick him up along with his stuff. We got there and the living room was filled with every single last item that belonged to my grandpa. We shoved everything into my car including a mini fridge. We couldn’t fit everything in my car so we asked a Santa Ana friend of ours to come pick up the 1 chair and 2 suitcases left. As we were about to leave his soon to be ex wife she starts talking a bunch of mess about my family and starts going on a rant to my grandpa. It took every ounce of strength in me not to turn around and knock the bitch out. As we leave to take my grandpa to my cousin’s house, he confessed to me about the emotional and physical abuse he went through. I couldn’t help but cry with him…. it’s bittersweet because I know he will be safe now but he will forever will be scarred. I love my kong… I told him that for the first time and it sucks because something bad had to happen for me to tell my grandpa I love him.
I am really grateful for my health, friends, and family. When things come to shit, I have people there supporting me and helping me grow. I have the support of previous leaders. Saturday was very eye opening for me. I know I have a friend that will hold me while I cry on their shoulder. <3 So grateful for the people in my life. I will never take advantage on them. CSA is my Family. They are my home away from home and I say that with the most sincerity coming from my heart.
By far this year is going to be the biggest year of my life. This year I will be tested to my limits. Being involved with two organizations has it’s rewards but it also has it’s sacrifice. In between planning a statewide conference, board meetings, general meeting, looking for a job, sustaining friendships I am also a student and my parent’s ideal daughter. I try so hard to see my family as much as I can. I find myself stressing more and more. I know I signed up for this and I knew what I was getting myself into. I am not trying to place blame on anything nor am I regretting anything. But at this moment in time I am extremely tired. I just want a day to myself. Though I try really hard to dedicate a day to relax I end up worrying about things that need to be done. As a leader I am not suppose to show weakness or negative emotions I am really struggling with that. I just have so much on my plate it has become very stressful. There is so much going on with my life and I feel like I cannot express them to people because I am supposed to be viewed as a leader. I am not allowed to come in contact with the only grandparent I have left. There’s nothing that I can do to help him because he does not see that he needs to be helped. I love my grandpa and I hate to see him miserable. What do I do when I hear that his new wife is packing his shit into suitcases and throwing it out the door? My grandfather’s safety and happiness is always at mind. I never thought that someone could split my family apart. I am trying my best to do the best I can as a leader. I feel that I am failing people. I do not like letting people down. I will be tested to my limits as a student, leader, daughter, granddaughter, and sister. This year will be a big year for me (statewide conference (possibly two), Cambodian culture night, 2 student organizations). As start the 2nd decade of my life I will be striving to uphold all expectations.
I woke up this morning to my dad awaiting for me to “talk” to him. It turns out that he wanted to ask questions about my visit to my grandpa’s place with my cousin a week ago. When I say ask, I actually mean demand. I did not like his approach to this touchy subject so I started getting hesitant. First, he asked questions on how the visit went. Then, he started asking questions like “Did you cry?” and “Did your cousin cry?”. So I asked back “Why?” After that, he demanded that I answer his question. So I answered back in an unpleasant tone. He then went on a rant on how rude I am. It was too early to be taking any bullshit from anyone so I argued back. The thing about my dad and his sister is that they tell everyone our business. I don’t want their friends who actually know my grandpa to know about what is going on in our lives. All they do, along with their friends, is talk shit about other people and gossip like little girls. So my argument towards my dad on why I am such an unpleasant and rude daughter is because he was going to put our business out there and tell everyone that my cousin and I cried. This is NONE of their damn business. I vented on tumblr a week ago about this experience and I was going to leave it at that. I did not want to talk about this experience again. Let it behold while getting these answers forced out of me it did not make anything better. The only result my dad got out of this “conversation” was making me cry again… reminding me that I will probably never see my grandfather whom I love so much genuinely happy again…
My first couple of days of September haven’t been as well as I wanted it to go. Last night was absolutely heart breaking. I haven’t seen my grandfather in a couple of months even though he lives in the same city. Due to financial disagreements my the chick my grandpa married has forbidden him to have relations with his family. He called us over needed someone to help me teach him how to use his new phone. Last night my cousin and I sat in the parking lot of his apartment complex calling him over and over again. We went knocking on his door,window, and hollering for him to come outside. He invited us in and my cousin replied “No grandpa its okay, we aren’t allowed inside” knowing that if he said anymore our grandpa would get the shit in of the stick. After we taught him how to use his phone, we hugged and kissed him goodbye. The look he had on his face was the most heart wrenching look I was ever given. He looked so miserable. He was a looked a lot more deranged from the last time I saw him. I could tell that he really really misses us. The whole time we were there that bitch was sitting there with a prissy ass stank face on the sofa ignoring our existence. It took every ounce of me not to tell her off, threaten, or beat the living shit out of this lady so she doesn’t lay a finger on my grandpa. My whole family has tried to help him. We offered for him to move in with us, call the cops, a social worker etc… but he doesn’t want our help and he doesn’t want to leave her. As soon as we were out of his sight I broke down and cried. I sobbed and sobbed. I couldn’t hold myself together anymore. So frustrated with myself because there is nothing I can do to pull him of his misery. Seeing how emotional I was, my cousin started to cry to. We sat in the car for awhile trying to pull ourselves together before we came in contact with anyone else. I hugged him on the way to my front door from my garage. We cried together. This is the first time I’ve seen my cousin cry since he was a little boy. I really miss my grandpa. Before all this mess happened, I didn’t visit him as often as I could of. I really beat myself down for this because he lived in the same city and now I can’t visit him. Not a day will I be unappreciative the people who love and care for me.
this is fucking bullshit so fucking over this!!! i do my fucking best to help and all i get is shit for my fucking life! im sooo fucking mad and angry. stop trying this fucking self pity shit by bringing other people down and being unreasonable DAMNIT!